I’m Sober, Now What? How to Build a Life After Addiction

I believe that the #1 contributor to any individual’s addiction is fear. I started smoking, drinking, popping pills, and drinking kratom extracts because of personal insecurities. At first, these drugs were great at helping me feel more confident and empowered. Then, when I was fully addicted, I wanted to get free, but I was terrified to do so. I was scared of withdrawals, for sure, but I was more afraid of living my daily life without artificial enhancement.

That’s the worst part of addiction. The drug ruining your life has convinced you to fear life without using. The drug makes you believe that your normal, sober life isn’t enough. You believe you need artificial enhancement. Which, I mean, we all don’t. No addict’s story ever ends with, “Man, doing drugs saved my life.” Just the opposite. The story always ends with, “Man, getting sober saved my life.”

Always.

But just because you get sober doesn’t mean life automatically becomes awesome. That’s what I want to talk about today.

If you’re newly sober, or even if you’ve been sober for years, yet you don’t feel fulfilled in your life after sobriety, you might start yearning for the drug you quit. At least with the drug, you could have some happiness, right?

Well, first of all, no. Drugs don’t bring happiness. They bring escape.

But secondly, and more importantly, sobriety is not an end in itself. It is a means to an end.

Many people expect that once they achieve sobriety, life will suddenly feel meaningful and exciting. But if you don’t like where your life is headed, that proposition feels far-fetched. It’s like, you did all the work to quit addiction, and now you’re clean, so where’s all the adventure and fulfillment you were losing out on while getting high? Where’s your Indiana Jones? Your hero’s journey? Your big, bold, beautiful life?

Recently, I was talking to a former Quit Kit client who, after months of sobriety from 7OH, relapsed because, in his words, the four walls of his living room kept pressing him tighter and tighter. He craved an escape from the boring parts of his life, which is actually why he started using 7OH in the first place.

This is one of the most common patterns in addiction recovery and relapse prevention. People don’t always relapse because withdrawals are unbearable. They relapse because life feels empty, stagnant, or unfulfilling.

I know the feeling. I’ve struggled with a similar feeling throughout my entire adulthood. Likewise, I know that this struggle is what got me to start using drugs.

But I also know that feeling is a distraction. My life is filled with however much fulfillment I’m willing to throw into it. The problem is, actively seeking fulfillment is scary. Fulfillment inherently requires taking risks. Risks inherently carry some probability of failure and embarrassment. Failure and embarrassment are scary stuff. It’s way more comfortable to sit in my living room, even as my four walls press in on me, than to try something new and fail.

But that’s okay. It’s a totally normal feeling. It’s just how we’re wired as human beings. We fear the attainment of our deepest desires. It’s more of a flaw than a feature of being human. The good news is that building a fulfilling sober life does not happen all at once. It’s the culmination of achieving much smaller, easier-to-attain goals.

If you’re afraid of doing big things in your life, then forget them for now. Focus on filling your life with:

• Things you love
• Things that love you

If you do that, you’ll be setting yourself up for the big things you want to achieve.

Here’s how it works:

• The more love you have in your life, the more you’ll flourish
  

• The more you flourish, the less you’ll feel afraid
  

• The less afraid you are, the more likely you are to accomplish big, bold, beautiful goals
  
  

This is one of the most overlooked strategies for building a fulfilling life after addiction. When your life feels meaningful, the desire to escape through substances naturally weakens.

So how do you go about this? I’ve got a cheat code for you.

Think about the love in your life as a stack of individual activities. The more of these activities you pursue, the more love you can stack into your life. You can purposefully, methodically, fill your life with love. The more love you feel, the less room there is for fear.

Here are three questions you can ask yourself to start stacking.

Who Loves You Unconditionally?

First, who in your life loves you unconditionally? Who is always happy to hear from you, above anyone else?

For me, it’s my mom. My mom lives far from me, and we rarely get to see each other, so whenever I give her a call, she’s always happy to hear from me. It doesn’t matter what we talk about. Doesn’t even matter if it ends up being a boring conversation. She always makes me feel loved. I know that if I call her, I can bank on feeling better after the call than I did beforehand. It’s like an on-demand connection to a wellspring of love.

What Brings You Satisfaction?

Second, what is one thing you’re good at doing that brings you satisfaction?

For me, it’s guitar. I’ve been playing guitar since I was 15. It’s my emotional home. Even when I totally fumble my way across the fretboard, I still feel plugged into something meaningful. I just gotta pick up the guitar, and for 30 minutes, I plug in.

How Do You Like to Be Challenged?

Last, how do you like to be challenged? What do you enjoy doing even if you don’t fully know how to do it yet?

For me, it’s building stuff. I look around and think, “I wonder if I could build that…” then I watch a couple YouTube videos, visit Home Depot, and give it a shot. Building stuff brings me joy. It gives me purpose and momentum. It makes my sober life feel alive.

See where I’m going with this? I’ve identified things that give me direct access to the beating heart of life. It’s not Indiana Jones, but it’s all stuff that brings me love, satisfaction, or joy.

If you’re newly sober and wondering what to do after getting sober, start here. Ask yourself these three questions and note what answers pop up, then plug in. This is how you stack love, satisfaction, and joy into your life. These are the building blocks of fulfillment. Do this enough, and one day you’ll look around and find fulfilling things all around you. And you’ll be well on your way to achieving your big, bold, beautiful goals. 

Much love, and all the very best,

Matt von Boecklin 

Founder / Quit Kit